to days of inspriration!

Dear Internets, I wish I knew how to quit you.

It wouldn’t be so horrible if you would just give me something to read, or something to do, but about 85% of the time you don’t have shit for me. And yet, I give you my all. I give you my time and energy, and you don’t return the love that I give you. If you would, I don’t know, give me more facebook or myspace comments or messages, or give me more blog comments on all my various blogs, I’d be much more happier. And to add on to your lack of love for me, you keep on dying on me on my precious laptop. So- I am going to attempt to be on you less until you start returning the love.

F*ck you, Lindsey

Friday night, I went to Rocky Horror with Jess, and I finally got to see her play Janet. She was amazing…the guy who was playing Rocky, not so much. Even Greg, who they got to play Brad at last minute because a member of the cast didn’t show up, was better than him, and Greg was drinking like he always does at Rocky. Ugh, Chris, the guy who played Rocky that night, is a fat old white guy who is creepy, took peanut butter and rubbed it all over his hairy stomach and ruined peanut butter for everyone there, meaning there are twelve people that can’t eat it anymore, because that’s how many people showed up. Adam, Jess’s friend from UC, was even more appalled then I was. Oh, and I got a lap dance from Rachel, who plays Columbia and Trixie sometimes, like I pretty much always do when I go to Rocky. Rachel, my dears, is smoking hot.

…I finally get the motivation to blog and I have nothing to blog about. I guess I’ll do the things that I usually do with this blog when I’ve got time and can remember the right day to do it on.

My Favorite 5 Things:

1. Brittney coming home this week!

2. Strawberry bacardi

3. my Hello Kitty t-shirt (that might as well be Hello Kitty in general!)

4. “Because’ by the Beatles

5. Legally Blonde

I’ve finally come to realize that we are all the same
If there’s nothing left to lose then there’s every to gain
All the paragraphs and pages you could write could not contain
It is curious and careless and it’s flowing through my veins

The fear of growing old, and doing what you’re told

You can’t disguise a heart while it’s breaking
You hide behind the smile you’re faking
It’s all about the the chance you’re taking
Oh, and you know that you’re making it all come alive

If your life is so damn comfortable then why do you complain?
A reflection in the alcohol you’re pouring down the drain
Just because you paint a picture doesn’t mean it fits the frame
This is my West Coast intervention and I’m getting on that plane

When all of your mistakes are keeping you awake

The sun is setting and it’s ending ’cause you’re letting it go
Forgetting everything you already know
And it all goes to show that you’re moving to slow
It will end up changing you, it will end up changing you

Life flies by so you have to embrace it
Forget the past ’cause you cannot erase it
So live the dream, and learn to chase it
And when you can almost taste it
It’s all come alive

-’You’re Making it Come Alive’- My Favorite Highway

I just did a survey on myspace that asked how would I like to be proposed to, and it got me thinking. I don’t really understand my gender or my sexuality- I’m not completely male or female, I’m not not gay or straight (I’m so completely bi- who hasn’t seen me drool over a boy and a girl?!), but I know one thing- I will always physically present as female. I have no desire to go through a difficult elective surgery to have defunct parts when I have perfectly good parts that are fine the way the are…but there are things that I want to do that I’m not going to be able to do.

Like…be a dad. Funny, I don’t really want to be a mom, but I do want to be the dad I never had. I want to play catch with my kids. I want to walk my daughter down the aisle. I want….to pay the bills on time, and make sure my kids have everything they need, and some of what they want (…essentially, bring home the bacon). And a lot of other dad-like things. I know a lot of  these things I can do in this female body of mine that I’m trying to embrace…but somedays it just feels wrong but I know that a male body would feel just as wrong.

My male side feels so jipped, like it’s being cheated out of so much. And it is.

God, I hate being like this so much. It’s so completely and utterly confusing, I wish I was either completely one of the other, even if that meant being FTM and having surgery.

Guys. What I am about to tell you does NOT LEAVE THIS BLOG OR THE THREE OF US WHAT SO EVER.  I am drop dead serious, god, I’ve never been this embarassed in my entire life and I haven’t told ANYONE about this, and gosh I just need you guys before I go off the deep end and stop eating again. I’ll probably break down and tell Rin and Danielle because well I tell them everything, but there’s no way I’m telling anybody else because it’s just too damn humiliating and damnit I wish it was during school so I could talk to my therapist about it. I’m willing to tell anyone just about anything about me, but this…god, it’s going to sound stupid compared to other things that have happened to me, but damnit…one of my worst nightmares have come true and I’m about to cry just thinking about it and I need someone to comfort me about this.

Last week, my mom took me and Nathan down to North Carolina to see Matthew, Meisha, and ofcourse, my precious niece Maddy, and that was wonderful, and I wish I had more time this summer so I could go down there and be with them. But, since it was Nathan’s first vacation ever, Mom decided to take us to Dollywood. Now…Dollywood, we all know, is an amusement park with rollercoasters and all sorts of rides.

Lindsey, we all know, is fatter than an elephant and has a butt and stomach with its own zipcode.

Well, guys, I don’t need to spell it out for you. The first ride we got on, I couldn’t ride because the pole that keeps you locked in wouldn’t snap/lock/whatever. The man running it was nice about it, but everyone was staring at me and I had to go stand to the side and me being me I just kind of burst into tears.

I have never been so humiliated. It’s not anybody’s fault…but damnit I feel like a failure. And it really makes me want to have gastric bypass or lap band surgery so I don’t have to live like this anymore. I don’t ever want my niece to know about this, I don’t want anybody but those who I’m closest to to know about this, and please, I’m begging you, don’t tell anybody. Please. I’m so freaking ashamed.

Damnit I need a hug and I’m crying and yes, I took my medicine this morning.

So, over at his blog, Jeremy shared a fear of his. I guess it’s not necessary, but I think that I should share something that I really don’t talk about much.

I am spiritual, in a very weird way. I don’t call myself a Christian, or a Jew, or a Muslim or anything, but I do believe that there is a god, and he or she loves everyone very much and forgives you for what you do wrong, no matter what. Yeah, I know- very Christian ideals, I might as well be one, but there’s so much in the Bible I just can’t get behind. Like holding another person hostage and forcing them to do work that you don’t want to do, or keeping two people who love each other apart for whatever reason (it’s not only gays that they’ve done this to), or justifying hurting someone because they don’t believe the same way as you.

My God understands that sometimes you fuck up. My God understands sometimes…you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. S/he understands that you can’t help loving who you do, and even wants you to be loved and love others. There’s nothing that you have to do for this god; you don’t have to “turn your life over,” you don’t have to adopt African babies or donate all of your money to the homeless to get in good graces. All you have to do is be yourself and admit when you’ve fucked up. Hell, God fucks up, too.

Look at the platypus. And Michael Jackson.

In college, you don’t really have close relationships with your professors. That’s something I’m not used to; anybody who really truly knows me knows that for the most part I’ve had good relationships with my teachers and counselors, and the only time where I haven’t had strong connections with teachers was middle school. Last semester, I took Internet Technology (IT) 101 through Marshall Community and Technical College (MCTC), and my teacher was called Ms. D. This poor women had a lot of problems, and I sent her an email to check in on her after receiving an email from my friend Stacy who I met in our English 102 class, and it set up a big red flag for me to check in on our teacher. I got a reply back saying that she was out of office until August 25 (the first day of the fall semester) and she would only reply to email if it pertained to school.

I fear that this means the worse, that she has been admitted to River Park Hospital in Cabell County, and for those of you unfamiliar with that area, it is the same thing as Highland Hospital here in Kanawha County- a mental hospital.

If there is one thing I absolutely do not ever want for myself, is to ever get so bad that I have to be admitted to a mental hospital. I would have to do something pretty terrible to myself in order to go to some place like that.  I don’t want this for anybody that I care about and love; I really wish the friends of mine that need care in this way get it, and that Ms. D. is getting the help that she needs and deserves. I don’t like for anybody I care about remotely to feel like I ever have and want everything to end.

….the worst thing is: I don’t want those I care about to feel that way, then why did I allow for myself to feel that way? In order to really start feeling better about myself, I need to start caring as much about myself as I do everybody else.

And yet again another post that is really like fifty six million combined.

Song Lyrics Tuesday!

Well I can’t regret,
can’t you just forget it?
I started something I couldn’t finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

And I’ve got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you’re up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s something unforgivable…ohoh

Well I can’t regret,
can’t you just forget it?
I started something I couldn’t finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

You never knew
well i never told you…
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it’s true
I’ve never done it with the style and grace you have
But I’ve made long term plans
based on these mistakes

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s something unforgivable

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you’re as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let’s end this call,
and end this conversation
there’s nothing worse…
(that’s right he said, that’s right he said it)
I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
(that’s right he said)
that you always had it way too easy

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don’t believe me when I tell you
it’s something unforgivable

Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve

Best friends means I pulled the trigger!!!
Best friends means you get what you deserve!!!

Getting Personal Wednesday!

I’m really stressed out. And when I get stressed out, I get testy and I want to eat. I want to eat A LOT. Not a lot in the sense that I want to so badly- in the sense that I want to eat a lot of things. Now, I understand my reasoning for this, and I am trying to resist the urge to wonder into the kitchen, get the pretzels, or the peanut butter, or the chocolate chip cookies I wish I could just throw away, and instead of putting it all down the garbage can, putting it down my mouth. I wish I would hear about all the places I’ve applied to, and get a job, that way I’ll have one less thing to worry about.

Tomorrow night, I’m going to Rocky Horror yet again, only this time instead of coming back at four o’clock in the morning, Jessica and I are going to get a hotel room and have a bit of a slumber party with all the Rocky people. I’m hoping that someone will have something that will make me feel really good, or…well, I’ll find somebody to make me feel really good. I need to have some fun.